A starstruck lawyer, a neutrals-clad wellness guru – this has to be the lowest stakes court battle of all time, says Guardian columnist Marina Hyde
A starstruck lawyer, a neutrals-clad wellness guru – this has to be the lowest stakes court battle of all timeo Park City, Utah, currently scene of one of the great pleasures of modern life: a court battle that you’d be relaxed for either side to lose. Yes, it’s the Gwyneth Paltrow. Take your seats for a preposterously camp battle between a well-to-do retired optometrist who said the high priestess of fanny-steaming skied into him – and Her Vajesty herself, who says he skied into her.
Arguably Terry’s most compelling proof that he suffered a brain injury is his choice of lawyer, who makeslook like Cicero. At one point in the proceedings, this Kristin Van Orman almost squealed: “I am so jealous! … I have to wear four-inch heels just to make it 5’5!” “They’re very nice,” lied Gwyneth. “You’re not trained in accident reconstruction?” ran another gambit. “Me?” asked Gwyneth, “No”. “Neither am I!” chortled Kristin.
But you can’t keep a good wellness entrepreneur down. Every aesthetically challenging day in that hideous orange Utah legal facility, Gwyneth has swept in wearing category 5 neutrals, hopefully drawn from her own brand’s Courtroom Casuals line. Just as Goop is a place where food is never eaten, but “grabbed” or “reached for”, so it is that one of the best things Gwyneth’s website can say about any outfit is that it “takes you effortlessly” from one part of your day to another.
As for any lessons that might be drawn from this appallingly entertaining courtroom dramedy, I am afraid I can only return to an oldie but a goodie:. Never litigate unless you absolutely positively have to – and as far as anyone can see, Mr Sanderson didn’t have to. We already know what Gwyneth Paltrow’s like. But we now know, from Terry’s own testimony, that he ordered his former girlfriend to leave him after he began his legal journey as “I knew she didn’t buy into it”.
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