From using non-verbal signals to having a ‘no petulance’ rule, readers share their hot tips for keeping their cool
While differences in perspective can be good for any relationship, when a disagreement escalates into words that can’t be unsaid, no one wins.Here, readers share their most effective techniques for defusing a simmering row and prioritising resolution, from hand signals, to taking an outside perspective or quieting their inner teenager.Ever since we first started dating, we have had a “no petulance” rule.
If a fight is going to kick off and I want to de-escalate, I know to control the tempo and volume of my voice and ask questions to understand her perspective. This isn’t always easy, but it usually works.We’ve had counselling a number of times and have learned to try to handle things using our “adult selves” as opposed to our “angry toddler” or “petulant teenager” selves.
If I see him beginning to boil, I’ll often appeal to his mind: “Now, we’ve been together for over half a century, surely we can find a solution to this if we put both our heads together. We’re intelligent people.” This will usually open the door to us talking things out. We both agree to let the other person completely finish talking about how they feel, no matter how long it takes, without interrupting. This is very difficult. When we’ve heard each other out, I say: “OK, how can we each come out of this with at least something that we each want?”I touch him lightly on the arm and say “I need your attention”. This is a safe phrase.
If needed, we will then discuss the issue later. If we come back to it, then it is often without the heated passion. Rinse and repeat if passion still remains.Want to take part in the next Intimate Details column? If your relationship has survived infidelity, tell us about it in the form below.Please share your story if you are 18 or over, anonymously if you wish.
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