From tragic cucumber jokes to whipping up some ancient Egyptian spermicide, this Amanda Holden and Dan Jones vehicle is an embarrassment from start to finish. You’ll cringe yourself inside out
When discussing how to make a documentary about the South Seas palatable to the masses, the film producer Hunt Stromberg is reported to have said: “Let’s fill the screen with tits.”
But I feel sorrier for us, because we have reached the point where Sex: A Bonkers History, presented by Amanda Holden and Dan Jones, is happening. I have never been so grateful for a programme maker providing only one episode for review. I would not have made it through a second. I would have cringed myself inside out.
The next segment shows Holden clad in a Spartan running dress at Crystal Palace sports ground in south London to demonstrate female fitness levels in the ancient city state. It is bathetic and pathetic in equal measure. In voiceover, Jones explains the militarism of the Spartans and that boys were sent to live in barracks at seven before entering, at 10, “what we would consider paedophilic relationships” with adult male mentors. Then back to Holden running in her little dress.
On to Egypt. “Cleopatra was the first sex symbol,” but also “so good at maths she could probably have got a job on Countdown!” Jones makes a love potion as he talks about pre-Christianity’s lack of taboos around sex and participates in a laboured joke involving a carrot and cucumber. He also makes an ancient Egyptian spermicide, which they apply to pig semen under a microscope to see how effective it is. The sperm stop swimming. “It works!” says Jones.
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