I can’t change or control what happened. Bruce is gone. I can’t have him back. I lost him. But, as they say, I can control how I deal with losing him. And living without him
Well to be more specific, I am raking leaves. Alone. But I feel him right beside me. And I see him standing in our backyard, wearing his old Blue Jays jacket. He’s leaning on his rake as he takes a break from the draw and lift of piling leaves into the brown paper yard waste bag. Our dog Choice is asleep nearby.
The maple tree in our backyard is a deciduous version of Bruce. It is tall and handsome and straight and full. And dependable. It’s always there. Sprouting new leaves, shedding old ones. Its roots run deep and far. It adapts to what Mother Nature throws its way. The house that we bought and gradually turned into our home stands between our two maple trees – between the young Bruce and the older Bruce . This home was his pride and his refuge. The embroidered message on a cushion near his chair coos, “Let’s stay home.”
Losing a home at an age as young as Bruce was leaves an imprint that must be experienced to be appreciated. He had two adult brothers at the time of his father’s death, which occurred four years after his mother’s. Yes, the oldest brother took guardianship, but so-called parenthood was not his strong suit. So, there were apartments and houses. Places to live, yes. But not a home, per se. That would not come until we were married.
It was early spring when we moved in. And that big old maple tree was there to welcome us, transforming itself from barren to lush as the buds became leaves. His favourite feature of this new house was the back door, he said. “I can walk through that door and leave the rest of the world behind.”
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