You sound bereft about this, writes Eleanor Gordon-Smith. Addressing the issue doesn’t need to alienate your son
My son and I are particularly close and have always enjoyed a loving friendship and understanding of each other, despite him living and working overseas for the past 13 years. We’ve always communicated regularly via various channels. After my father – his dear Opa – passed away in 2019, he partnered for the first time. We were overjoyed that he’d found love and while Covid restrictions kept us apart and communication became a little more intermittent, we remained connected.
I understand why people are counselling you not to make waves. There’s a risk that by talking about this, you reify the fact that you don’t get on. By asking whether there’s a conflict, you accidentally start one. Perhaps you could start by talking to him instead of her. It sounds like you feel less at risk of being misunderstood when you’re speaking alone with him. What about saying something like: “We’d love to feel close and at-ease when she’s around, like she’s part of the family too – do you agree that it doesn’t quite feel like that? What can we do to help?”
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