Even in healthy families, setting reasonable expectations and boundaries at family events can be tough. For those with borderline personality disorder, it's extra hard.
People are happiest when reality meets expectations. High expectations of holidays may lead to conflict.
This week on my podcast, I interviewed Dr. Daniel Lobel, a practicing psychologist and noted author of four books on BPD in the family. Lobel stated that optimally, one can anticipate that a family member with a personality disorder such as BPD may regress in a disruptive way at a family gathering and take pre-emptive steps to head off problems. For example, holding an event at a restaurant or inviting non-family members to attend may encourage everyone to be on their best behavior.
"'We're not going to talk about family issues that go way back. We're not going to compare ourselves to anyone else. We're here to have a good time. So either we go back to the table, we have another round of turkey or roast beef or whatever you're eating on that day. Or maybe we'll bring out the dessert. Let's just move on from that and talk about kinder things.
And then if the mother says look, ‘I'm upset,’ then one might say, ‘Look, why don't you go to another room, or if you're that upset, go home. We'll see you again on another occasion.'”the boundary of a relationship or an event. A family member's heightened sensitivity to being kept on the outside of family boundaries may start with feeling that what occurs inside is impoverished and disappointing.
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