Use of the term 'attachement theory' is often oversimplified or incorrect, says author Laura Mucha.
Attachment theory is the most significant theory of human relationships in the last century. It’s become a bit of a buzz word, and is used by psychologists, psychotherapists, social workers, teachers, nurses and parents, among others.
Ideally, this Important Person would be there for us when we need it. By ‘there for us’, I mean being emotionally and physically available, but also willing and able to comfort and protect us. Then, when they’re there for us again and again and again, we start to trust that we have a safe haven. This is called ‘security’.
Insecurity can take different forms. You might try to hide your upset, hurt, worry or fear. You might try really hard to get your Important Person’s attention – and keep it. Or you might seem apprehensive around them. That strategy might be the best option for you as a child. But it might be something that creates distance in your important relationships as an adult. And worse, because it’s a pattern you learned when you were little, you may have no idea that you’re doing it or why.According to attachment theory, we need to provide our child / children with a safe haven when they are hurt, upset, scared or worried. That doesn’t just mean being physically available – it also means beingavailable.
As parents, we can consciously choose to change our path or transform how we behave as an Important Person. Although that change probably won’t be instant. We might change by learning about relationships, seeing a therapist, or developing a close relationship with someone who has a secure attachment pattern themselves. And changing in this way can have huge repercussions for our child/children.
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