Advice columnist J.P. Brammer responds to a reader who can’t handle being disliked. Brammer points out, ‘You’re already living the nightmare — you dislike yourself!’
I’ve always struggled to accept other people’s opinions of me. For as long as I can remember, I’ve been borderline obsessed with being liked. It’s not that I need to be the most popular or most beloved person ever. It’s more that if someone doesn’t like me, even if it’s a complete stranger, it drives me nuts. It makes me cringe. It makes me want to curl up and die.
They’re all buddied up with each other. They’re always joking and talking to each other, and I can’t really explain it in concrete detail, but whenever I’m prompted to join in , no one reacts. I’m also not the physically strongest guy, andor looking down on me. Maybe this is me reading way too much into it, maybe this is me still mentally being in high school, but I feel … disliked!
In my experience, people-pleasing develops as a defense mechanism. It’s a way to minimize conflict. Conflict isn’t just an argument or a fight. Conflict is two schedules not perfectly aligning. Conflict is having to say “no” to mundane requests. Conflict is having to gently correct someone when they get your name wrong. Conflict is present in the vast majority of human interactions to some degree.
Even now, as an adult with many wonderful friends, I carry a fear of abandonment, a gnawing suspicion that if I ask for too much, if I cause too much trouble, if I don’t behave perfectly, I’ll be dropped. This can make little tiffs or disagreements, things that will naturally occur between individuals, feel like full-on crises..
I want you to use this fitness class as a training ground in more ways than one. Challenge yourself to take up space, to have a great workout for yourself and not worry about whatever is going on around you. Be pleasant, be polite, be talkative, even, but don’t let anyone make you feel like you don’t belong there. Boutique fitness is expensive! You didn’t pay $30 to be a second-class citizen. Practice being you, regardless of who’s around you and if they like you or not.