From the affair with Gina to the feud with Dom, our parliamentary sketchwriter boils down the former health minister’s memoir
anuary 2020: I scan the New Year’s Day edition of the Times. On page 37 there is a news in brief about a virus in China. I sense this is going to become a global pandemic with the loss of millions of lives. Try to impress on PM there is not a moment to waste but he is more interested in having a lie-in. Decide that I will begin writing a diary in 2022 so that I can keep some kind of contemporaneous notes.
We are now in lockdown. There is no one about on the street except me. Not that I want any recognition. I just want an opportunity to serve the country I love so much. Both me and Boris have the virus, though the boss is a great deal iller than me. I suspect that obesity may be a factor here. I choose not to mention this to Boris as not everyone is blessed with such a toned physique as me. Look in the mirror and think I might one day take part in Celebrity SAS.
Dido and Kate have been put in charge of Test and Trace and the vaccination programme respectively. I shall do my best to make them look capable. It’s what I went into government for. Boris continues to act unpredictably. Left to his own devices, the death toll would be far worse. I refrain from telling him how lucky he is to have me. If he is not careful he will be removed as prime minister in the summer of 2022.
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