In my family, there are typically two reactions to conflict: A torrential burst of sharp reprimands that culminates in tears, or a rapid shutdown of the issue that is subsequently never brought up again.
Commentary: Learning to recognise my own intergenerational trauma was rough, but it helped me begin healing
However, I’ve come to understand that such trauma can also manifest in subtler, more insidious ways, influencing family dynamics and individual behaviours in ways that are less overtly damaging or violent, but just as impactful. “The extent to which we experience anything is based on how we process the situation, and this is also dependent on what prior experiences have taught us,” he says.
“When a parent frequently expresses anxiety or engages in negative self-talk, it's like dripping dye into water. The sponge absorbs the colour,” explains the psychologist. Only later did it hit me, like a bucket of cold water dumped on my head: Despite all my efforts to be different, I was perpetuating the very patterns I had longed to break. I saw my behaviour mirrored in memories of my mother talking to her own mother on the phone, times where her frustration and annoyance had reached a tipping point and led to her shouting and railing.
But it also presented new opportunities to consciously confront old, ugly patterns whenever they resurface, and to choose a different response. For me, this means taking a pause before my irritation sets in, being even more patient when I sense conflict arising, and knowing which battles to fight and which ones to let go of.
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