Dear Diary: \u0027Everyone always says Canadians are so chill. As if a national hissy fit is going to convince me to come visit\u0027
Now, to sit back and bask in the enthusiasm of my fans and everyone who wants to see me. It’ll be nice to see the world again and visit Germany and Ireland and Scotland.
Huh, weird, I just saw on Twitter the Australians seem to be getting cranky. Ah well, I’ll check on that in the morning.Oh no. The people of Perth are angry because I’m not stopping by to play a show. I do have other dates in Australia, though. What’s their problem? You’d think at this point I wouldn’t care if people were mad at me. But I’ve written innumerable songs about how people have jilted me in the past. I wrote a 10-minute version of a song that had my fans demanding Jake Gyllenhaal return my red scarf.Advertisement 4But I guess I don’t really want to have bad blood with Australia. It may be full of horrifying poisonous animals, but the people are nice enough.It turns out the Canadians are upset, too.
Ungrateful ingrates! I’ve been all over the U.S. Don’t they know that’s a short plane ride away from pretty much any Canadian city?What’s wrong with these people? Everyone always says Canadians are so chill. As if a national hissy fit is going to convince me to come visit.As I was falling asleep last night, I came up with a great idea for a song — one about just how much Canada sucks and how much they’re ruining my life.Ugh.
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