For some LGBTQ+ shunned by relatives, friends and community are rewriting what ‘family’ means, says Guardian columnist Owen Jones
from the anti-abuse LGBQT+ charity Galop found that family rejection is still all too common: almost three in 10 LGBTQ+ people had experienced abuse from a family member, rising to more than four in 10 trans and non-binary people. In 60% of cases, they felt their identity was the main or contributing factor.
Christmas acts as a painful reminder for too many queer people that their families have failed to affirm them, or have rejected them altogether. Consider James, in Congleton, who won’t spendwith his biological family, he tells me, “because they don’t support homosexuality – it’s not for religious reasons, they just don’t like the ‘concept’ ”.
Such examples underline why automatically fetishising family – rather than considering each unit on its own merits – is a mistake. Parents do not always know what is best for their children. Being unable to be your authentic self among blood relatives can exact a profound human toll, and non-biological queer families are often there to pick up the resulting emotional pieces. Jane is transitioning as a woman, but feels unable to come out to family and is dreading Christmas.
Sometimes, communities mobilise to fill the space vacated by a birth family. Chester Pride puts on an annual Christmas dinner; some of the guests have been rejected by their families. Its chair – Warren Allmark – tells me: “No one should be alone any day of the year, but Christmas heightens emotions: you go past other people’s houses, and see them huddled together around the table.”
The expectation that the entire nation will be spending a day celebrating family love is what leaves those without it so miserable. But as Allmark puts it: “It can be a brave step to stop fighting for your family’s love. If they don’t give you the love you deserve, it’s hard to walk away.” And he’s right: but that’s what makes other alternative loving networks so important. Giving up on your birth family is painful, but having one you’ve chosen yourself brings its own kind of joy.
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