'If you’re self-compassionate, rather than being lazy or indulgent – a common misconception – you’re likely to be more responsible and accountable.' - Jason Godfrey
For some time now, I’ve been racking my brains over the question why so many people struggle with self-compassion or being kinder to themselves. Just mentioning the words “self-compassion” can make some people cringe or recoil at the mere thought they could reduce the inner voice that’s often critical and rarely content.
The research is clear, and we know how to look online for tips and strategies to reduce stress, be calmer, and so on. The majority of us will agree it’s helpful to avoid excess stress or anxiety. So why is self-compassion difficult? What are the obstacles that stop us from easing up on ourselves? I sometimes ask, “What do you do for yourself, just for fun, that doesn’t have an outcome tied to achievement or making progress?” Many struggle to answer this question. And it’s not to say making progress, achieving, and working hard aren’t important – of course they are. Being useful and contributing to society are valuable. The problem arises when we’re constantly pushing ourselves from a place of fear that, if we stop, we might lose respect, admiration, and approval of others.
Self-compassion is also difficult to quantify. If I tell you I’m in the process of writing a book or working towards a qualification, you immediately know what I’m doing and what the outcome is going to be. You might even be impressed, and that makes me feel good, it makes me feel like I’m doing something worthwhile and, therefore, I feel a sense of self-worth.
Something that’s toxic is defined as being very harmful or unpleasant in a pervasive or insidious way. Toxic usefulness describes the tendency to be constantly “on” with the underlying motive that, by being so, it ensures our worth as a person. As soon as we stop, our worth comes into question, usually by ourselves but others can also contribute to this negative message.
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